naivety

that title sounds like nativity, which reminds me of christmas. i love christmas.

top two definitions from Dictionary.Com for Naive:
1. having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature orabsence of artificiality; unsophisticated; ingenuous.
2. having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, orinformation; credulous: She’s so naive she believes everything she reads. He has a very naive attitude toward politics.
i’m writing again out of utter desperation and loneliness. eh, not loneliness, in fact, i wish i felt lonely once in a while – but regardless- emptiness is more of the word i was looking for. I don’t remember if i’ve written before about cycles; if i haven’t i really should. (point) i’ve been here before. i’ve felt this way before. this emptiness. this bittersweet lowliness (lots of -ness’s today, huh?). where does it come from? let’s brainstorm…
surpression?
…surpression.
pretty much sticking with that. man, i suck at brainstorming! ha.
it comes from taking everything you allocate as unworthy and shoving it somewhere, like a jar, you can’t immediately access. it stays nice and tidy in the jar unnoticed until suddenly it’s triggered by something, usually related to something else in that jar, and it all aggressively explodes all over your life like a … really huge water balloon that soaks your clothes and makes you feel heavy.
well, after a while of this behavior (you keep repeating it because, BEFORE it exploded everywhere, it was a very effective method of appeasing someone, at least in my case)  your clothes get heavier and heavier until it takes everything you have just to hold yourself up with all your soaking iron-weight clothes that you feel completely exhausted. And like a flash of light you realize that you just wasted “all of you” on stuffing this damn jar with different, and often important, pieces of you.
the first couple of times i came to this spot i was invigorated by my hopelessness (ness…), and it inspired me to change, and improve; to grow stronger in myself. So here i am looking myself in the mirror and this time thinking “damnit, again? really?”
I’m one of those cocky, young-minded thinkers some…most of the time. “duh, i know everything. gosh, i can’t believe EVERYONE doesn’t listen to my brilliance!” i mean… read my blog. ha. but, i am observant. I enjoy figuring people out. it’s like a mystery novel. “what makes someone do _______”. Especially interesting are correlations. for instance, why does it seem that wealthier families have a tendency to have children with drug problems? Now, if my current was to read this he’d immediately think that i came to this conclusion because of his family (so vain) when in fact his family was just another example of a theory i had already composed. Still, that kind of stuff interests me. It’s the same “nature vs. nurture”. was it pre-existant or created? Well, since these are things that interest me, it is reasonable to believe that when it comes to understanding people or relationships i try to be observant and understanding. Now, i’m not perfect, and i’ll be the first to admit when i’m acting irrationally, emotionally or defensively (sort of intertwined in there…), however…
i’m having major troubles in my relationship. I’ve never cried as must as i have this past… year (we’ll say). it must be record breaking! The past month or so i’ve felt, for lack of better words, like shit! i mean, i’ve literally sat in my car for 20 minutes just trying to muster up the courage to come inside of his house because of how mentally exhausted i become just thinking about having to deal with him. It’s not like i don’t explain to him how i feel – i do! But things are starting to take a toll on me. you can’t make someone happy who isn’t content with who they are. which is really hard for an incessant people pleaser like myself. I could give him everything, and he would take it all… and still not be content. THAT is exhausting.
well, i called this post naivety because i’m wondering if the source of all of our troubles is the fact that he just doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand that he is doing anything wrong because everyone feels the same way he does, sees everything like he does (or should),  processes things the same way and gives and receives love the same way he does. At first, this just made me mad and i thought “well, i just need to make his see that everyone is different in those areas!” (oh i’m so smart – cue eye roll). Actually, with a personality type like that, i am incapable of proving much of anything to him, and until he grows and matures in the area of relationships, he won’t understand that. Now, am i willing to sit around and hurt while he “figures it out”? oye. the thing is, he treats the relationship like a marriage but has the relational level of a grade school boy. And that’s not necessarily accurate because some boys, like my oldest brother, is much more connected with the emotional and psychological part of the relationship, since his first girl friend he’s been that way. Point being, some people get it and some people don’t. My other thinks, “she stays over; we cook dinner together; we trust each other; i do stuff for her so we are together and i care about her” i think that all those things are great, but if you don’t appeal to my emotional side, then there is a whole part of our relationship that is missing, but it’s always been missing. I have never felt that we really had that psychological connection. I am more emotionally fulfilled by the teller at the the bank than my boyfriend. that is so so sad. Anyways, i’ve been typing to many incomplete thoughts so i’m going to leave everything alone for now.
i’m so tired of fighting him.
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turkey.

an unnerving  realization has come to me. Unfortunately for all of you it’s, most likely, utterly useless and already understood.

frankly, i don’t remember what it’s like to be in love (that’s not my unnerving realization…hold your horses). I think when you’re young and nieve love is just, well, whatever you feel like it is. it’s the eebee-geebees; it’s the “he bought me a present”; it’s “we have really great sex”. it’s whatever you feel like it is. Falling in love was so easy last time. I feel like it should be easy. But then you wonder, is it my resistance to love that makes it hard to fall in love, or do i just not love this person. I have, on countless occasions, wanted to blurt out those three words in that awful order that makes every grown person’s stomach churn. “i love you” PUKE. but i felt that way. that deep gaping whole in your heart that feels like if you don’t say it that your heart will fall, by suction, into your innermost organs. By some power of will (or common sense) i’ve been able to hold it in this far. Unfortunately, though, i think, i think i may actually love him. Love the fact that he’s a momma’s boy, that he get’s overly dramatic about things that don’t matter, that he has a past that is so cinematic it could be sold to producers, the fact that he still think pictures of genitalia are funny, how he studies so much harder than me, how he “protects” me comes across as angry, how he doesn’t wash the dishes before he sticks them in the dishwasher or always pees with the door open… but i love being with him. We are both honest to the point where it hurts sometimes. but i can’t think of anyone i’d rather be with right now.

ok…here is my real problem…

he’s transferring to another college.

next fall.

and he wants to study in spain all summer.

so…

what about me?

and i feel like he wants me to give so much to this relationship…but how can i sacrifice all that for someone who is just going to leave me?

I’ll be graduated (hopefully!) by August (after my internship), and i ACTUALLY considered moving with him. i actually considered that. the girl that said “i will NEVER move anywhere for a guy. EVER.” wah wah. seriously, what’s wrong with me? i must be out of my mind. i couldn’t believe i even considered it, but the scary this is… i did! I just have no clue what to do. i don’t think i can do long distance, but i don’t want to stop… oh poop. stop loving him (gag me). humpf.

stupid.

can’t wait to dress up like an indian and hand out water at the Atlanta Half Marathon on Thursday!! 🙂


Nothing simple

Golly! It’s good to be in my own bed again. Not that there is anything special about it. In fact, every bed I slept in this weekend was way nicer than my own. Yet, somehow, I find comfort in the mediocrity of my bed. I don’t have to eat meals off of plates or use cloth napkins. There is something peaceful about that to me. Maybe it’s just that it’s whatever you’re used to, or maybe there is some kind of stiffness in upperclass living. No one’s family is perfect but I am so blessed for the one I’ve got! I need to remember where my roots are though. Who I am. I was re-reading a draft I had typed up from a while ago and I thought… “Hell yeah! That’s who I am! That’s the girl I wanna be!” now I just need to remember who that person is…haha I feel like this season in my life has really taken a toll on me. And I’m not really ok with that. In fact, I’m really over that. I’m really “over” being this person. I’m really not ok with the girl I am right now. Thank God I can always change!

… And that was really off topic but anyways… What I was thinking was how little that still means to me. And I’m thankful for that. No my dad isn’t a doctor and I didn’t grow up in a giant house and get everything I wanted or fly jets or have the opportunity to go to any school I wanted, BUT I’ve gotten a lot of even thinking. I’ve learned the power of will. And the goodness of following through. I’ve been humbled and troubled. I’ve always had everything I need and I have a family that LOVES ME! and I love them. And there will be times where we can’t give gifts or have things we want but you know what? That doesnt matter to me. Because when it comes down to it I want as much time with the people I care about as possible and that’s it! And let’s be honest, we live in a nice house & we eat good food. Not much more we can ask for than that. Thank you Lord.


My stupid complaining about things that don’t really matter

hi. wow. long time! i haven’t had anything fun or interesting to say. over the summer i had been journaling in a written journal (writing instead of typing, what? are you craaazy? haha ) Anyways, i don’t have my journal with me right now (not that i have been writing in it consistently recently anyways…) so i’m going to pour my emotions and confessions on this defenseless screen.

so about a year and a half ago i joined the Georgia State rowing club. Fell in love with the sport, and the people were pretty cool too. Rowed for two seasons, became varsity and then took the summer off. ok. you know what, i don’t feel like getting caught up in the back story i’m just going to jump right into what i’m feeling, thinking and crying.

I didn’t want to row this season to begin with. i wanted so badly to walk away, and i shared my concern and troubles with several people on the team i thought would understand, but was eventually guilted into staying on the team. obviously, guilt is not love. and you can not love a person, or group of people, or sport if you feel “guilted” into being there. a marriage built on guilt will end in either 2 horribly unhappy people or divorce. well, i ended up divorcing my team. Really, that is awfully dramatic. it wasn’t a divorce, it was a business. I meant no personal harm or any personal offense. I quit because I, me, myself, I needed to do what was best for me. And i couldn’t take the pressure of being on that team anymore. I hate that i lead them on by joining at all! i never should have. lesson learned: NEVER let someone force you into something you don’t want to do because it WILL end badly. there is no way around it. And it’s unfortunate that people don’t all understand the power of words. they were so upset and offended that i quit the team they felt it necessary, as friends and teammates, to take turns emotionally beating me. i’m talking knives, guns, punches, karate chops… i’m talking my symathetic nerves were going HAYWIRE! I’m talking i’ve cried multiple times in the past week. Now, are they wrong for doing this? No, no they aren’t “wrong”. I get it. I completely understand that they are disappointed and upset. OH! gosh! i can’t believe i forgot to say, i’m also injured. For real, like shooting pain, like inability to grip an oar, like i went to see an orthopedic doctor and he told me i could accumulate permenant nerve damage. So, clearly, their stories aren’t quite sticking… they seem to be constantly changing. “well, we understand but but but you at least coulda…” or “yeah but you never even…” or just the “but i expected so much more from YOU”. oh. uh. ok. “you never TOLD me” — yeah except YOU are the main person that got me into this mess in the first place and i SWARE i told you my thinking every step of the way. I hope they realize someday that they are taking this above the level that it needs to be. This is not betreyal. this is me… “doing me” . i hate that it went down like it did and if i have any regrets it’s joining the team this season to begin with. and i repeat NEVER DO ANYTHING JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY. never. i’ve never had so many people hate me in my life. And one inparticular i think needs to remember wouldn’t have even started rowing if it wasn’t for me. oh and wouldn’t have a job either. and oh yeah, wouldn’t have like half of friend she has if it wasn’t for me… funny how people forget that huh. maybe someday they’ll understand. It’s like the whole team has forgotten how much i did dedicate to this team. how much time, training during my ironman, time with my family, MONEY, time studying, time with friends… and not that i regret it at all… but i wish they would stop pretending i never carred. or that i half assed it at some point this season. damn and all the arguments they brought up. “you’re quitting for your boyfriend” um actually, i’ll see him EXACTLY the same amount as i did before, idiots. “everyone has injuries and they still row” yeah because they’re idiots. “and you stopped replying to my texts this summer” — uuuuuuuuuummm what? what the hell does that have to do with this? are you trying to break up with me? you’re an idiot.

my friend once told me, “you’re responsiblity is to tell them what you can and can’t do, but how they respond is not your responsibility”.

and i understand that this was a “team” but their reactions were just as “selfish” as my actions. there is no way i could perform at the level i would need to to bring them to an even ok finish. but FUNNY THING…

they rowed this weekend at a regatta and had someone sit in for me… they got a gold medal. and STILL had the nerve to tell me that they were so upset this weekend “watching the boys re-rig OUR boat for THEM”. uh ok. but you got a gold medal without me. without me.

they are choosing not to be my friend anymore that’s ok. i don’t need people that are that ill-understanding in my life. they really revealed themselves as ugly people.

1. i pray that i never commit myself to anything that my heart’s not in again.

2. i pray that i’m NEVER as ugly to someone as they were to me.


Graduation song

The older I get the more things I realize are true like..
Everyone is insecure
No one is really perfect
Everyone lies
Everyone endures hardships
And everyone is handles things differently.
It’s so evident these stages of life now. Growth and development, breaking away in adolescence, that stage of self discovery where ‘no one understands’ then the maturation where you can really grow to understand and you start living outside of yourself. I am realizing more and more how not-different people really are. “no one understands” may be the falsest statement ever made. In fact, most everyone probably understand. Andy Stanley said the other week, “you know how I can preach a sermon and you can go ‘wow that was so specifically for me’? Because we are all the same. You are not that different from the next person!” wow. How true that is. You know what subject to preach because chances are 85% of the crowd need to hear it/have been there before. When I was bulimic, do you know how “rare” I felt? Like no one would understand. Hah. You know probably every teenage girl had an eating disorder at some point? Some more extreme than others of course, and do you know how many middle school and high school kids were probably “cutters”? Gah, a lot! And most of them felt alone and misunderstood (mostly because they liked that feeling) but were they? No. Now, does that make these things ok? Not at all. Should we still try to stop this behavior? Yes, most definitely. But are they a single person behaving this way totally different from everyone they know? No. I am in no way alone or going through something that no one has gone through before. I’m no different from the next person. We have all endured hardship and the only thing that makes us different is our response.

I’m also so done living inside myself and wasting my time with crappy people. Life is too short to waste it worrying about all of your own problems when someone else has the same ones or worse. Time to open my heart to others and help if I can. And I don’t really have the patience to wait around while people in their 20s and 30s scour around for attention like a high school cheer leader. I can pray for you and I’ll be there if you’re in trouble but I can’t put my energy into a raging black hole. And really, you can tell If they are rooted in something more than themselves and the next best thing. Without a deeper meaning to their life energy exhausted into them goes unfulfilled and un-purposed. & frankly I don’t have the energy to deal with that. I also don’t have the time to be worried about people that offend me or hurt me. I’m moving on! I have things to do and places to be and, frankly, I don’t have time to waste on your sorry ass. I will try my best to “live at peace with everyone as far as it depends on me” but at that certain point if they want to be upset or angry that is totally on them.

You know what else I don’t have time for? Insecurities. Love me or hate me I don’t really care. I don’t have time go worry about if someone thinks my thighs are too big or my makeup done wrong. I don’t have time to concern myself with whether or not someone accepts the fact that I love Jesus or my perspective of sexuality. I don’t have the time to worry about whether or not someone thinks I’ll be successful or that I’m beautiful or screwed up or loud. I don’t have the time to lie to peoples faces when i know that some truth needs to be spoken. I don’t have the time to worry about how I may not measure up to something or someone by the world’s earthly standards. I just don’t! News flash: I’m not perfect! And never will be! & double news flash: I dont give a shit!!!!


a short ramble

it seems strange to me what has the power to consume our thoughts; or how easily our thoughts can consume us. How something completely within our control could fall, well, outside the realm of our control entirely. For example people we shouldn’t and don’t desire to have any relation or thought of at all. How do they make it into our minds while people who are a positive influence or have little to no effect on us negatively fade so quickly into the underlay of our thoughts. perhaps it like the cake-vs-diet theory (i just made that up). the idea that when you can’t have cake it constantly consumes your thoughts and you want nothing more than a nice slice of cake. You crave it; its on your mind; everything looks like cake, but when you are free to eat cake (normally) you hardly think of it. You lose that “craving” for it. I seem to suffer from this frequently. How come i can remember every negative thing i’ve said but i can’t remember the positive influences? why is it that i don’t think of the men that I hurt and only the ones that hurt me? I am a firm believer in the fact that if someone controls your mind they control you; that no one should allow people to have power over them by allowing them to crowd their thoughts. You would think i would be better at forgetting because leaving people in my mind gives them power over me (in a sense). Maybe it’s how unsettled it makes me feel?  i am entirely unsettled by the fact that the man that … this evil man never responded to me. typical, however, he never responded. 4 years of no responses. [ass] so i’m stuck here thinking about what he’s doing; if he’s hurting anyone else; if he feels remorse; if he ever thinks of me & hurts a little inside. If maybe he knew what he was doing all along. What a coward. Can’t even face me. what a weak, weak, little boy. — see? do you see that anger? that shouldn’t be there. he shouldn’t even be on my mind. i can’t believe that after all he did i still let him have any say in how i feel or what i think. Maybe someday, i’ll get an “i’m sorry” and he’ll be man enough to come find me and say it to my face.

[it’s all bullshit]


DREAM

i had the weirdest dream today during my nap in between classes.

i was at Concourse (the athletic club i work at) but it wasn’t the building. (you know how dreams do that? where you KNOW you are somewhere but it looks nothing in your dream like it actually does) In my dream i had just been listening to my ipod and the Billy Currington song “Don’t” was playing. I took my headphone’s off because my friend’s ex (that i just had met this weekend) was there and wanted me to teach them how to swim (since i am a swim instructor). I took my headphones out but the song was still playing in my head. So loudly that i couldn’t hear what she was saying to me. But regardless in my dream i went to get ready (or something) and ran into all my favorite people. Mostly on trainer that i have a “history” with. I attack him with a hug like i normally do but it was almost more romantic and cuddly. Same problem though, i couldn’t hear anything he said because the music was playing so loudly in my head. it was literally like i had a stereo system in my mind blaring this song at my brain.

i woke up not much later and realized that the song that was blaring so loud in my dream was actually playing on the ipod i had playing while i was napping. it was so strange! i felt like i had just been pulled out of a coma i was such a zombie. haha so weird.